It was April 1st 2015, I had just been out with my family for dinner and to see Cinderella in the cinema! I was driving home and suddenly I couldn't breath! I could hardly see the road in front of me! I was having my first ever panic attack! I mean, I've always been a nervous/anxious type but never like this! I remember phoning my Auntie when I finally made it home that night and she said "You could be pregnant" - I sort of laughed it off, grabbed a cup of sugary tea and went to bed!
But the anxiety didn't leave me - first of all the doctor thought it was vertigo, I was so dizzy but when I was in a crowd of people I was sure I was going to pass out and the panic would set in again.
Then I was late...but the pregnancy test was negative...as were the next 11 that I took! Finally, two weeks later I got my first positive.
I couldn't believe it! I mean we had been married all of what, five minutes? Ok, it was five weeks! But I was pregnant? Seriously? ME? I'm not going to lie...my first reaction to the positive test was sheer panic! Ok, yes I was 27, I did want to have children but this soon? Do you want to know what my husbands reaction was? "Oh! Flip, We will need to get a new car!" Men!
Once the reality set it and I had shared our news with close friends and family, I started to get excited! I mean I was totally overwhelmed with the responsibility of growing this little one and bringing them into the world but I couldn't wait!
(8 weeks pregnant at a friends wedding)
My due date was 28th December 2015 - a little Christmas baby!
(It's a boy! 20 week scan)
I was so sick with this pregnancy - right up until about 20 weeks and it was at this stage, when the sickness eased, that I really started to enjoy my pregnancy! I couldn't wait to find out what I was having, deep down I was really, really hoping for a boy...and there he was in all his glory! My wee Freddie!
So fast forward to 27th December 2015 - I had gotten a phone call the day before to say that I was to make my way to the Induction bay at the Ulster Hospital for 11am where I would be induced (I just want to point out here that I wasn't overdue, and this wasn't for medical reasons either - simply my consultant was working that day and he didn't see the need for me to wait any longer - I would never do that again!). So I had the pessary inserted (Oh dear goodness, the pain!) and then began the long wait!
(The morning I was induced - not technically my due date!)
One of the midwives working in the bay that day said to me, "Oh you will probably have to have your waters broken in the morning because I believe it was difficult for you to have the pessary inserted" - I felt like saying "Yea well when someone is almost elbow deep in there it isn't exactly comfortable!" So we decided to take a walk over to McDonalds and get some lunch before anything really kicked off! I began to have some twinges but thought it was my imagination - sure the midwife pretty much said nothing would happen today!
We went back up onto the bay and tried to put the afternoon in reading magazines, playing uno, chatting about what we were going to do when we got the baby home. At about 5pm the twinges were really making me uncomfortable so I was offered co-codamol but I could tell they weren't really taking me seriously! Stuart was sent home at 10pm and by this stage my contractions were coming quite regularly, I was sitting rocking back and forward in a chair with a hot water bottle, counting and breathing my way through them!
Eventually, the midwife that had come on for the night shift, took a look at me and said she would hook me up to the trace to see what was going on, and sure enough I WAS having real contractions so it was time for an examination ... Oh the joy!
On first inspection, she turned to me and said, "have you had your cervix sewn shut?" What the actual flip?? The panic in my face told her I hadn't!! So she hooked me up with some gas and air and finally some good news - I was 5cm! I was planning a water birth so I was taken up to Home from Home where the rest of my story would take place!
After some initial checks, Stuart on his way back over, the birthing pool being filled, I had my first big whopper of a contraction that quite literally took my breath away! I remember during one of these contractions Stuart saying to me "Flip I've got shocking heartburn" and the midwife responded with "Probably best you don't speak when she is having contractions" - as if I cared about his heartburn!
I was helped into the birthing pool and it took me a bit of shifting to find a position that I could manage my contractions in! The midwives kept offering me gas and air but I didn't like the way it made me feel when I was in the water so I just kept counting and breathing! I was sitting with my back up against the side of the pool with my legs straight out in front and when a contraction would start to build I would push myself up with my arms so my bum was off the bottom of the pool and I would hold this for however long the contraction lasted! This was like a really intense workout - I couldnt work out why the muscles in my arms and shoulders really ached for days!
This went on for hours and at one point I actually dosed off while Stuart was stroking my hair! The next I looked at the clock it was 8.30am. The midwives had just changed over when I said "I think I need to push" - the midwife got me to turn over onto my knees and sure enough - there was his head starting to crown! It was at this stage that Stuart took the fear and announced he was heading to McDonalds to get breakfast! The midwife stopped him in his tracks - I couldn't have cared less what he was doing but he was NOT leaving that room! The next half hour was spent pushing on each contraction and finally at 9:09am my little, or should I say, big bundle of joy was placed into my arms!
It was such a weird but beautiful experience seeing him come up out of the water - although by this stage it was really just a murky pool of blood (please excuse the graphic description)! It was at this stage that my consultant made an appearance and had the lovely job of sewing me up! I had quite a tear due to the size of my baby - Oh yes I forgot to mention that he was 9lb 1oz!
(Freddie - 2hrs old)
We were given some tea and toast and left alone with our new baby to get some "rest" before our first visitors would arrive to meet our wee Freddie! I remember the look on my Mum and brother's (Mark) face when they walked in and saw him! It was priceless!
(Mark with Freddie)
We got to leave the hospital the next day (29th) and I couldn't wait to get home to have a proper shower and a nap - Freddie didn't sleep very well the previous night and my Mum was coming down to stay a few days so I had plenty of help with feeding and cuddles!
(Mum with Freddie)
I have to say, I had a very positive birth experience - including being induced! I had heard so many negative stories and I was really petrified! I think I really did benefit from the active birth workshop and I was determined to have a water birth - as long as my body let me and if there were no complications as well.
We decided to name him Frederic Alan William McDowell but he would always been known as Freddie - that is unless he is being naughty! Alan is my grandfathers name and both of our Dad's are called William so that was an easy one!
I would love to say that I fell into motherhood easily, that I loved every minute of that first year, but that would be a big fat lie! This is something that I will touch upon in another post, if I get the nerve to write about it because it really was a dark, difficult time. Oh boy I loved my baby but I didn't love myself or what it did to me, my body and my hormones! For the best part of a year I struggled with being a mother and its not that I would say now that I have it together - I mean for the most part I'm losing way more battles than I am winning but I have learned to accept, with God's help, who I am, what my role is and I'm constantly seeking guidance from above!
I would really love to hear some of your birth experiences! Where you induced? Did you have a C-Section? How did you feel after your first baby? Did you experience PNA/PND?
(Freddie's first birthday - that wee face!)
(My terrible two year old! Oh I love him really!)
